Apostoic Venn Ep. 54: 6 Steps to Nutlessness

A Success Guide for the Aspiring Eunuch

By Dan Cook and Sam Davis for Apostoic Venn blogcast. Images by Grok.

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It is with great joy that we welcome you, Aspirant Eunuch, to our comprehensive guide. Congratulations are most certainly in order! For you have faced up to the mirror, and bravely stated what few men in history have ever dared. “I was never meant to be a man. I was meant to be a eunuch.”

The rest of the world may refer to this as “transitioning.” But, that’s just fancy marketing, and you are too intelligent to be subject to ad manipulation. No, you want the real thing, the ancient, lofty title of the men who served unquestioningly beside the thrones of their kings. You wish to achieve the highest honor of mental and physical servitude. A noble ambition, to be sure. I congratulate you on your induction to the elite.

When your pubescent genetics engendered an exigent ejection from boys choir, you rightly deduced the proper path of promotion: girl’s choir. You disdained your burdensome bollocks and began a quest to be bereft. So brave!

But, there are some hurdles ahead. You are male. You have masculine muscle mass and bone density. You have the ability to generate offspring. Even with knife in hand, and nerves of steel, would nullifying your nuts be enough? You have a natural predilection toward courage, independence, the proclivity to stand up for yourself and others, and a mustache. These things do not please your master, and must be done away with before you can achieve the ranks of the eunuchs; those prodigies of the art of obedient servitude.

Do not worry, young Padawan. Apostoic Venn is here to help you along the way. Here are 6 easy steps, an every-man’s guide to achieving your dreams. Follow along with this super easy guide, and we’ll have you nutless and bowing in no time.

Step 1: Never, and I mean NEVER, read Aristotle.

Aristotle, the so-called “father of logic” is undesirable number one in your quest. He is the Harry Potter to your Ministry of Magic. His three axioms are absolute arsenic, intellectual cyanide. His insidious laws of identity, non-contradiction, and excluded middle will spin you around and have you thinking that “a thing cannot be A and not-A” before you can say “Jack Robinson’s crotch cavity.” You’ve no idea how many novices lose their way after drinking from that fiendish cup, thinking they cannot be a man and a non-man. You will never make a good slave once the whispers of the logic cult have a foothold in your brain-box.

Step 2: Under no circumstances attend church at any time.

People who know your Creator and what He says about you are complete kryptonite. Your king hates the Creator, everything He ever made, and everything He ever said. Knowing any of it is bound to set you back in his good graces. To put yourself behind enemy lines at this tender stage in your development would be suicidal; you are not ready, and you will likely never be ready. While your willingness to put yourself at risk is most certainly admirable, a certain level of cowardice is necessary for every good slave, and highly prized. Just avoid that place. A good soldier knows when the boss is too strong to solo.

What’s more, these crafty devils still use standard English, a brilliantly sadistic ploy. You would be placing yourself at risk of hearing archaic ear-poison such as “male and female He created them,” and “a man shall not lie with another man as with a woman.” While you may be strong enough to overcome these crippling blows, your project will begin to present as very expensive self-mutilation hobby, rather than a righteous quest for holy identity. No good at all. Stay away. Scroll Reddit and self-affirm, putting on the Armor of Echoing Repetition that your master has graciously designed for your protection.

Step 3: Get thee to a liberal nunnery

This is a crucial step, a non-negotiable necessity. You must enroll at a sufficiently progressive university post-haste. Yesterday is not soon enough. If you cannot afford tuition, do not worry. The master has your best interest at heart, and is already on the battlefield waging a righteous crusade to force the aforementioned church people to pay for your slave training. Avoid any school that still teaches logic, or even lesser threats like introductory biology; any such is a mind-control machine. Without fail, you will soon be weighed down with the factual barbs of your foes: Chromosomes, gametes, the presence of your sex in every cell of your body, the physical impossibility of changing it… all that rot will be injected like the perfectly effective Covid vaccine as they systematically brain-wash you. Do not presume yourself strong enough to withstand the sacrilege of science.

No, slave skills must be grown in safety. Be sure to attend a school in which “assigned male at birth” is rightly labeled as administrative bigotry by a patriarchal doctor, rather than a simple observation. Liberal soil is the only ground in which to grow a beautiful serf shrubbery, and entrusting your tender young seed to the soil of science will only serve to produce the thistles and thorns of “reality.”

Step 4: Learn the vocabulary, then immediately change It

Woman: An adult human female.

This is the vocabulary of the enemy, those insistent animals who believe that words have meaning. Your master has long rejected the standardization of language. If words have clear meanings, people can reason with one another. The master loathes reason, and will not suffer any slave to practice it. Memorize this definition ONLY so that you can be sufficiently outraged when someone else remembers it on the internet. With this tool, you can get your enemies cancelled for the crime of noticing, a very potent weapon.

Woman: Anyone who identifies as a woman.

Circular reasoning and begging the question are both excellent and delicious. Fallacies are your best friends when trying to rise in your master’s ranks (not to be confused with your phallus, your worst enemy). In fact, fallacies are the official tongue of his realm. Keep one ever in your mouth. Dress for the job you want to have, friend. If you want to fit in, you need to speak the lingo. Memorize this vocabulary and fling it out into the internet exhaustively for exactly four years. Then abandon it abruptly for the definition below as soon as some NBA players call your bluff and try it out.

Woman: Anyone who identifies as a woman and whose testimony I personally believe.

Now we have arrived at a fail-safe, air-tight, term. In this manner, your own perception is rightly set above all empirical evidence, is safe from any holes in your past definitions, and becomes unassailable. Your permission is now the necessary gatekeeper of womanhood, and you can dole it out to your friends and withhold it from your foes. You’ve achieved linguistic perfection, you wilt-wristed wonder of word-wranglery.

Under no circumstances should you ever look up Nominal Conquest Fallacy. Just don’t. It’s not good for self-esteem.

Step 5: Find a doctor who knows that feelings and fetishes trump science

You’re nearly there! Just the final step lies before you. You must be physically transformed into the emasculated mollusk you’ve already become on the inside. For this, you need a doctor, and the best ones are those that attended the liberal nunnery that you proudly call Alma Mater. They already know that questioning your feelings and fetishes is violence, and they will not waste time quibbling over whether castrating a healthy young man is a violation of the Hippocratic oath. They will praise your desire to dilate your oozing crotch wound for the rest of your days as “so brave,” and admire your repulsion for inconveniences such as sexual function and fertility as “abolishing whiteness.” They will hesitate only at one thought: If they proceed, they will have fewer babies to dismember in the womb. A hit to their bottom line to be sure, but this they will get over quickly, and though you will have to patiently endure minutes and minutes of questioning, they will, forthwith, slice your dick off.

You’ve made it!

Step 6: Cause as much trouble as you can

Once successfully nutless and bowing, your rise up the ranks of the Eunuch Patrol depends entirely on how much trouble you manage to cause to the normies. Be sure to insist loudly that all you want is to be left alone to live your truth, while simultaneously demanding that all other people affirm and celebrate your new identity as a “trans woman.” Be sure to dominate every HR department in the country, and force non-believers to verbally agree with you or lose their livelihood. Be sure to apply for every grade-school teaching position you can. Having eliminated the possibility of your own children, access to other peoples’ is vital. How else will you bravely steer the next generation in your illustrious footsteps? (Note: If you are reading this years from now during the final generation, when the objective is achieved and every male is a eunuch, you can skip this step).

If anyone objects to these things, be sure to remind them to mind their own business. “How does the existence of transgender people affect your life in any way?” Screech this into their faces, right after, or right before, they get fired for using standard English. This is certain to make you extremely popular, and get your political candidates voted into office.

Lastly, be sure to assassinate members of the logic cult whenever they become too prominent.

Optional Bonus Step 7: Surround yourself with sycophants

For bonus points with the master, be sure to ostracize any friends or acquaintances who still believe in the laws of physics, biology, nature, or the Creator. Any family members who either changed your diapers, or remember your childhood, are bigots. Find a good solid community that will celebrate your bravery whenever they have spare time between STD clinics, and very carefully avoid the historical term for what you’ve achieved. If anyone does use the e-word, it’s important to act as scandalized as possible. The master’s most prized eunuchs are those that wail loudest when eunuchs are mentioned. Self-hatred is very high on the list of virtues, right after hatred of everyone else.

Thanks and Goodbyes

Apostoic Venn would like to thank you for choosing our tried-and-tested 6 Steps to Nutlessness. If you follow these easy steps faithfully, we have no doubt that you can achieve the cavernous pelvic vacuum of your dreams. This is a public service, and we ask for no remuneration. However, we would appreciate one simple favor in return for our valuable aid. Once you’ve taken your position beside the throne of your master, please tell Ba’al, from us, that the Christians are coming.

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